I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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