Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
