I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
