help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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