Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
