barbara walters just said penis...
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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