I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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