for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
