After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I just googled if crying burns calories
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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