The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
