Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
