my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
