my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
