just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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