I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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