Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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