You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
