Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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