She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
