I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
