I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
