she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
this hospital has no fireball
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
