3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I am available for nakedness
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