I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
