In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
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YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
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I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
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