I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
