so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
