I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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