I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
