I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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