my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
