i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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