oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
