Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
