when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
