I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
