I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize