I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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