Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
