He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
