Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
