i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
