theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
