I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
