does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
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Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
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It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
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