It's Friday. Sex?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
She's just so happy...and so naked.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
