I wish I could teleport
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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