literally had 100 drinks last night.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
