I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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