The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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