Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
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