foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
