I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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