went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
