Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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