she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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