anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
