Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
