i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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