Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
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He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
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And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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