Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
be right there i have to get my cape
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
