and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
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