Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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